I was 24yrs old and officially single after 7yrs. It was 2004. I worked at a hospital and had a two bedroom to myself five minutes from the job. I was doing good for myself.
I worked at that hospital for almost 5yrs. And because a lot of women work at hospitals, you can rightly assume that I was open game to a lot of temptation and follow through.
The Pastor’s daughter.
I remember in those days that I met a woman about my age at a bar. I was with one of the guys I met at work and we decided one night to go to this bar not far from my place to find some girls. When I met her, she had one of her girls with her. We were trying to be so cool in front of them but we were so corny.
Over time, that lady and I kept in touch and would visit each other where we lived and spend the night with each other. She was married but separated. She was an attractive half Native American woman with a mystique about her. Her marital status should’ve been a deterrent but it just wasn’t.
That was the first time I consciously committed adultery with a women. Or I at least helped her commit adultery–depends on how you want to look at it.
She changed my mind.
One night we were on the phone and somehow the subject of God came up and she revealed to me that she was the daughter of a preacher. We both believed in God. Although she wasn’t as versed as I was, she did teach me something that changed how I dealt with God:
When I would fall back into Sin like how I was involved with her, I would feel so guilty that I wouldn’t even dare approach God until I couldn’t ignore the conviction. I couldn’t pray to him in a fallen state until I was ready to repent.
But she shared with me that even when she wasn’t living right, she still talked to God.
As we’re taught, God wants a relationship with us and wants us to come to him as we are, even in our mess. So in light of that, it made sense to me to always keep contact with God from then on. I didn’t need to hide myself away anymore like Adam in the Garden.
That concept just blew my mind. It changed my “relationship” with God for as long as I stayed in the Faith.
I started to pray more after coming to that understanding. It actually helped me grow stronger in the my Faith.
A strange occurrence.
Before I met the previously mentioned lady, I was praying a specific prayer. There was and is a bridge connecting where I lived to where she did. Mind you, I had never been across that bridge in all the time I lived in that state until I met her.
For some reason my prayer was that I’d never get stuck on that bridge. I think its because I saw some old footage of an earthquake and it caused the bridge to wave in a way that was so unstable and dangerous. I prayed that prayer as often as I could remember to.
Come to find out after meeting her, she did in fact live across this bridge. When I would go visit, I prayed not to get stuck on that bridge(or anywhere past it). I was already playing with fire dealing with this married woman.
Then it happened.
Anyway, as fate would have it, after spending the night with her I was coming back across the bridge and my car dies on the bridge during the morning rush. Of course, I’m praying for assistance and minutes later help shows up. Two guys pull up in a small pickup truck and just so happened to have a spare battery that fit my car!
Long story short, They helped me get across that bridge thanks to the spare battery they conveniently had. As you can imagine, that incident became part of my testimony. What are the odds that I would prayer about that situation ahead of time?
Some may say, it’s possible they were angels in disguise. Today, I come to a different conclusion from what I ascribed it to back then.
What’s the will of God for my life?
Even in my bachelor days, as long as I wasn’t distracted with the ladies, God was number one. Most importantly, I could focus on self-improvement.
In hindsight, I didn’t have the positive role models in my life that I needed. I don’t think my parents did a good job at preparing me for real life. Another one of my siblings expressed to me they felt the same way. I was so naive when it came to a lot of things.
Believe it or not, I didn’t even understand the end goal of finishing high school until years later after receiving a GED at 23yrs old.
I should’ve had a focus on higher education starting in middle school at least. My parents should’ve at least shown me the different avenues of life I could take towards some form of success if I didn’t want to go to college.
Did I miss the boat?
So, there I was working in a hospital where there is no real room for advancement without higher education. Only yearly raises and possibly switching departments. I also could’ve gotten tuition assistance if I wanted to do something in the medical field but I couldn’t see myself doing that.
I was looking back over my life wondering where I went wrong. I was filled with regret for wasting my high school years and early 20’s chasing after one girl. I should’ve spent that time mapping out the next 4 or 5 years of my life.
I was having babies with women I wasn’t married to and didn’t have a career or anything going for myself. I was striking out early in life without even giving myself a chance at having a life.
I remember being at work many times feeling trapped and also feeling like I was meant for better. I was becoming the has-been that never was.
What do I do with my life?
I would spend a lot of time in my apartment meditating and asking God in prayer what I should be doing with my life:
Was there a job or career field suited for me out there?
Am I supposed to just be seeking the things of the Spirit and things will fall into place? This is exactly what I thought.
The conflict within.
I began to agonize over this issue of God’s will for my life.
I was in such conflict within my soul because I was reading what God’s will was for every believer and as a good follower, I took those things to heart and coveted that kind of service to God.
I had difficulty reconciling his Will with my present life’s circumstances. On one hand I’m supposed to be content with such things as I have but on the other hand I’m feeling a sense of shame because I want a greater source of income so I can have more than enough.
By this time I had two sons from my first relationship and a daughter from different relationship(with a Christian woman). I’m supposed to be a resource for my children. Being satisfied with the minimum that supposedly God was giving me just wouldn’t be sufficient.
I did what I thought I was supposed to.
I wanted God’s will first and foremost because I really believed he had my best interest in mind. I was supposed to trust he was leading me in the direction I should go so long as I sought after him with all my heart. But there I was feeling aimless and hopeless.
In the end, I resolved to focus my attention on God more than what I wanted for myself and what I now realize would’ve benefited my kids. I thought that this way I’d eventually know what to do when the time came.
The part of me that said get out there and be ambitious and achieve was suppressed. This issue over the Will of God became a reoccurring issue. And I will share that with you as we go on.
These were the days that I really began asking God to just plainly talk to me.
What about you?
I know that many believers struggle with what the Will of God is for their life. It’s a commonly uttered prayer?
If you’re a believer, what do you believe the will of God is for your life or are you still seeking it out?
If you no longer believe, what did you believe the Will of God was for you and did you ever have a struggle reconciling like myself?
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