My De/Conversion Story 4: Man’s Greatest Weakness.

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My struggle with sexual impurity continued throughout my Faith journey and even until marriage. Women found me attractive and I was hit on a lot. I couldn’t resist the attention. I wanted them as much as they wanted me.

But I think I need to go back to where it all began because it played a very big role in my Faith experience.

Playing house or playing doctor.

I had early sexual encounters with girls since the age of 5. Apparently, they knew what I didn’t. The encounters weren’t intense but there was kissing and touching body parts.

Honestly, my earliest encounter (experiments) was with someone my own age. I really didn’t know what I was doing. My first two actual sex partners were friends of relatives and knew each other. Both girls were easy and I knew it. I lost my virginity at 14yrs old. I think by then, a lot of my male and female peers at school were sexually active. At least their conversations indicated as much.

It was also at that age that I was exposed to pornography. That’s a lie. I was exposed to it at 4yrs old(soft porn/R rated movies) but didn’t know what it was until about my teenage years. Every once in a while, you could watch the Adam&Eve channel for free during a promotion and then you’d have to pay. It kinda worked like HBO did back in the day.

My first relationship.

So, I was kid raised in a Christian home who by the time I was 16, was exposed to spirituality, fast girls, gang culture, and had three sex partners. My first real girlfriend and later mother of three of my sons was the 4th. And as mentioned in another post, she just so happened to come into my life about a month after I made my first true commitment to my faith.

We met each others’ families the day we became official and I remember my mom telling me she wasn’t right for me. I knew she wasn’t a believer but because my parents restricted our interactions with girls, I couldn’t wait to turn 16 and stop having to sneak around with girls. She was the first girl in school after turning 16 that took an apparent interest in me.

The reality was that I didn’t know what to look for in an ideal woman. The fact that my parents were so restrictive played a big role in why I was so promiscuous. That, and the fact that no one taught me about women.

We were having sex every chance we got. I thought she was “the one” but all the signs were there early on that she was not. I was way too invested in her. I even wanted to be with her after she cheated. We were always on and off. It took me 7yrs to get her out of my system.

The Aftermath.

Through that relationship, I learned what heartbreak felt like and the feelings and emotions that come with it. Because the relationship was so dysfunctional, through it I learned what stress, anxiety and depression is. It was definitely traumatizing on some level.

I developed trust issues and insecurities that I didn’t have before, that followed into subsequent relationships and affected how I treated women in my casual relationships. All my personal dealings with women led to sex. I didn’t know how to just be friends.

I couldn’t distinguish the women who would’ve been good for me from the ones who definitely weren’t. More than not, I gave my energy to the ones I knew I didn’t want to be with. I broke the hearts’ of the women that really wanted to be with me and I didn’t realize that till later in life. I was that damaged.

In total, I’ve only had 4 “committed” relationships(and one pseudo-relationship). Three of those failed including my first marriage. The 4th is going strong and is my second marriage. And though it seems better the second time around, I find myself still unlearning old ways of thinking and bad behaviors.

I was looking for something.

But I’d come to find out that the hole I filled with promiscuity and sexual irresponsibilities was a void that not even God could fill.

Goal’d Rusher

Women interrupted and interfered with my Walk so much. I just couldn’t go through life focused on God or even my future too long before some woman caught my eye or I caught theirs.

Because these women were not believers as far as I knew, to entertain them I’d have to compromise in other areas too. I’d fall into alcohol and smoking weed and cigarettes. Some of these women were married or had boyfriends.

It was crazy because I truly wanted to live for God. I still read and prayed in between these fiascos. That’s where my heart was ultimately. I was strong in my faith convictions and lifestyle but women were my kryptonite.

Unraveling the cause.

I realized later that sex was filling a void in me. Let’s be real, women were filling a void in me. I started to understand this at the closing of my faith journey. This awareness was to me an alarm that was pointing to the absence of a God that I really believed existed.

God was supposed to be my EVERYTHING that my life and Life itself was lacking. I put my trust, time, and energy into that belief. They say in the Christian world that ‘there is a God-sized hole or void inside of all of us’. But I’d come to find out that the hole I filled with promiscuity and sexual irresponsibilities was a void that not even God could fill.

I used to get depressed and feel defeated because I struggled to live righteously and save myself for a godly woman. No matter how much I prayed, fasted, and repented time and again, I would fall into the same scenario with women. This so-called sin was crippling until I realized that this tendency was not a Sin issue at all; part of it was a daddy issue all along!

I go deeper into my issues with my dad in another post and how it impacted my Walk.

Break it down.

From an early age, my dad damaged my self esteem. This led to me being very shy and self-conscious all my life. Maybe my shyness and social anxieties was the result of depression caused by my dad. He destroyed a part of me that I’ve yet to reclaim.

The damage that resulted from my first relationship just compounded the damage that had been done prior.

I was very handsome and easy to get along with. I was able to hide my self-consciousness and fragility behind my looks and charm. Because I was so damaged, I had nothing after that to offer women.

Women filled up my loneliness and want for attention. They fulfilled my need for affection. They made me feel important and saw value in me whether there was really any there or not. They gave me the boost in self-esteem that I couldn’t provide myself.

They were from my perception, soft, gentle, and harmless. They couldn’t damage me if I never let them get too close. I wasn’t so conscious that I was keeping them at a distance then, but I realized later that I damaged those who did appear to want to be close.

I regret getting involved with all those women, even the ones that I didn’t hurt. Many of my encounters were meaningless and the ones that had meaning or potentially could’ve had such, I ruined. I should’ve stayed to myself until I went through a healing process but I didn’t know myself in those days.

Where was God?

Of all the things this God is said to be, a therapist is not of them. He’s able save a soul from damnation but apparently can’t restore a damaged soul. Building ME into ME should’ve been his priority. But in the Faith, building YOU into some clone of HIM is what he wants.

The whole point of coming to God or remaining with God is to be made whole. Claiming to have been made whole is a whole lot different than actually having been made whole. In Christianity, being made whole has to do with Faith. That’s why a person can walk into a church a sinner and come out the very same hour claiming to be saved and “made whole” by the blood of the lamb.

In Christianity, being “made whole” doesn’t involve getting at the root of an issue, it involves only treating the symptoms. You can’t cure a cold; that comes and goes. We merely treat the symptoms until the cold goes away on its own.

I always say now that Christianity is the ultimate over the counter drug. Now, one can understand why Jesus is said to have the power to wash away sins but apparently has no power in keeping you from sinning. He treats the sins but never gets to the root cause. It has nothing to do with a tree(in Eden) despite the widely believed myth.

So if we’re talking about Sin, sin wasn’t at the root of why I couldn’t stay consistent in my Walk, fornication-free. For me and others like me, victimization of the weak and vulnerable is the root.

Its the open wounds left untreated for years. The actions and behaviors displayed due to harm inflicted in the past deemed as Sin, these be the symptoms or evidence of the underlying issue(s).

Now I see clearly.

I found out that I didn’t need a Judge, Redeemer, or Savior. What I needed most was a counselor, a therapist, good friends, and positive role-models. But to first begin dealing with my issues with women, I had to be real with myself and admit my flaws to myself.

I had to reach within myself where no God could reach. I had to erase that prediagnosis of Sin and get down to the truth and root causes. Not only on my own but also with real help from REAL people.

Again, I am remarried. But this relationship has only lasted this long because I place awareness on my root issues and treat the symptoms as they arise. The more attentive I am to the root, the less symptoms I have.

Sin is a non-issue in my life. It’s in my vocabulary but has no bearing on who I am today. It bears no description or resemblance of me as a human being.

What about you?

As a former believer, when did you realize that God wasn’t enough?

As a believer, what void are you filling with God that you believe is working for you?

This is something I really want to know from both spectrums. I want to hear you comments. You’re also invited to subscribe. Much thanks.

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