My De/Conversion Story 3: About a month after conversion.

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I gotta back up to a few months before conversion. We had just moved back to the exact place where I received my GameBoy. By then, my older brother(one year older) and I were somewhat exposed to gang culture through the our neighborhood and rap. So when we moved, we were looking for different gangs to get down with. We lived in a Crip neighborhood but we hung out with different cliques for a short period.

But it didn’t take long for me to realize we were a little out of place. We came from a small town in the Mid-west and we found ourselves in a new environment termed the “intercity”. It was a different world and people moved faster than what I was used to.

People were really dying young for their affiliations. Even though I stayed attracted to that lifestyle into my 20’s, I decided at that time that, that lifestyle wasn’t for me. I was going to turn 16 and fell back on my Faith.

I was going to school. Transferring from a different state(and better education system in my opinion), I was six credits ahead of my class. Although, I was a loner for sure(preferring not to be), I was doing good and felt good.

And then I met her.

I was in my Word. I was praying and meditating on the scriptures. But, I was a 16yr old boy and as you know, the hormones are racing. Not to mention, my history with girls started at a very early age.

I was trying to live for God but I was already promiscuous at 14yrs old. I ended up meeting a girl at school who happened to turn out to be my high school sweetheart and who I stayed involved with off and on for 7yrs too long.

She was my first love. You could call it infatuation. We skipped school together and hung out in motel rooms often. My grades slipped and I didn’t go to work like I should.

Between the Rock and a hard place.

That relationship led to so much compromising of my faith and spilled over into every other area of my life during that period.

There was a lot promiscuity and clashing of personalities. Although I was losing myself in her, she couldn’t completely take God’s place in my life.

We were both young and wild but we grew up differently. She would be considered worldly and I just was not. She liked to go out and the club was no place for me. My household was orderly and hers was very dysfunctional.

Biblically, we were considered “unequally yoked”. Deep in my heart I knew this but she was my drug. I was strung out on her. It took a long time for me to realize just how much my spiritual growth was stunted due to that toxic relationship.

How my walk was affected.

When you do something that compromises your faith and you are conscious of the error; when you are sensitive towards the Will of God, you feel guilt, shame, and a sense of conviction because it contradicts what you know or believe the will of God is.

In the Faith, we say it’s the Holy Spirit convicting you. That conviction was always there in that relationship because I also wanted to live righteously with God.

When I wasn’t with her, I spent time with God. When I was with her, there was no place for God. Conversations about God never went over well. Although I tried, I held no weight talking to her about God as long as I was willfully living in sin with her. My intentions may have been good but in her eyes I probably appeared hypocritical.

I kept it to myself.

I felt muzzled much of the time as a result. And with as much time as we spent together,  there was a spiritual aspect to my life that I just could not share with her.

Yet, I was still growing in my understanding of the Word. I still read and prayed. I knew where my heart was and where I believed it belonged.

Finally after being on and off for 7yrs, we separated for good and it was back to focusing on God. I went on to get my own place after several attempts at shacking up with her and began my new chapter as a Christian bachelor. I was about 24yrs old or so by then.

From a spiritual standpoint, many in the Faith would say Satan had used her to hinder my Walk. Others would say, I was being tried from the beginning. And still, others would say I still had one foot in the world.

What about you?

As a believer, were you ever in a relationship that you knew wasn’t right for you but stayed in it anyway. Heck, even if you weren’t a believer, how did you finally realize it was time to walk away?

I’d be interested to know how you found the courage to move on on. You can always leave a comment. And don’t forget to subscribe. Much thanks!

Published by: Goal'd Rusher

I was a former Christian and Messianic Believer for almost 20 years. I share my story on how I deconverted in hopes it will help someone else.