I never saw it coming. Regardless of my struggles and ups and downs, I knew for sure that I was going to live and die a believer. But here I found myself where I never thought I’d be–Godless.
I was proud of myself for taking the time to put my Faith on trial. I truly wanted it to prevail but there was so much overwhelming evidence that exposed it as a hand-me-down worldview full of superstition, mythology, and elements of numerology and astrology.
I didn’t go through a phase of anger towards the Church or a particular denomination because not only was I not part of the Church system but what I thought I knew, I learned primarily on my own.
There was no one to blame.
Some of my relatives didn’t believe it at first because they knew I cared about my Faith so much and seemed so sure. I didn’t come from the kind of family where one would be ostracized for disbelieving so it was just accepted. I have a relative who converted to Mormonism not too long ago; no one lost sleep over it.
It didn’t have any effect on my marriage because my wife never fully committed. She still believes in God but has no solid beliefs.
My mom and I used to be close because we shared a common faith but that definitely changed over time. More because of physical distance than spiritual differences.
My prayer life.
The biggest change that occurred was the absence of my prayer life. I prayed everyday. My daily prayer ritual would be anywhere from 30min to an hour or more. I felt bad if I didn’t pray in a day. It was an obligation for me.
It felt weird not praying for safety and protection. It gave a sense of being watched over but since I stopped believing in a “Watcher”, I admit there was an initial nervousness. It was like I was taking a chance on my life whenever I stepped out the house or drove on the freeway. That’s when I realized how superstitious I was.
Not praying anymore made me see just how superstitious I had been all my life. I stopped praying over my situations and let the chip fall however they did.
I realized my Faith kept me from personal growth. I was relying on a God to fix the parts of me I knew needed to change. But as I was waiting, I was just getting older. In some ways, I was getting worse and in other ways, I was just slowing down. But the issues were never resolved.
I hid my character flaws behind God but it was nothing more than a way of sweeping my issues under the rug. Focusing on God, took the focus away from where it should’ve been-on me.
I’m more careful.
I can only speak for myself but I’m sure other believers have gone through that phase where they feel so foolish and gullible for believing the nonsense we did.
I learned to be cautious about everything I hear. Things that sound believable may not be true at all. Many things are half-truths. I ask more questions and things said do require investigation. I have brothers who thinking I’m prying but I say I’m being wise.
The war is over.
I only believe in what I can see and what can be proven. I no longer believe in the supernatural. There are no angels and demons fighting over my soul. There are no spirits trying to influence my decisions or trick me.
Life is what I make of it and people are people. We do good and bad all on our own. We influence each other. Whereas I saw people inherently evil based on the bible, I now argue that people are inherently good.
There isn’t a struggle in my mind over my decisions and whether God would approve or not. I say what I want, do what I want, and go where I want.
“There is no condemnation or guilt for being myself while trying to be my best self.”
So, what now?
Now, I’m focused on reclaiming my life. I’m deciding what’s right for me. I’m deciding what kind of future I’m going to have. I’m getting my wife and kids situated. I’m trying to re/build relationships with my other children.
My hope is to grow this blog into a resource site. I hope to do videos and have a Podcast. People will have the opportunity to donate if they feel I’ve helped them. I want to encourage a culture of good, wholesome godless living.
I hope to go back to school one day and have a career that helps benefit humanity in some way. At present, I’m enrolled in University.
I believe that all my new hopes and dreams are now possible because I am free from the bondage of my former biblical beliefs.
Thank you all for taking time to read my story. I do appreciate it if you’d like, comment, and share my posts. And be on the look out for future posts as well. This is only the end of the first of 3 parts.