My De/Conversion Story 12: Second chances.


I’ve lived a life that I say is met with quite a few regrets. I still don’t understand it when people my age say “I have no regrets”. I believe them but I’m in awe of them. But I will focus on a particular regret and that is:

I regret having children out of wedlock.

With that, I wish I had a proper guide on how to deal with women: Who am I compatible with? And which kind of women should I avoid? I wish I had the foresight and wisdom about the responsibility and consequences that come from intercourse. I wish I knew enough about myself ahead of time as to know why I kept women in my life for unhealthy reasons.

By 2011, I conceived 4 children by 2 women that I was not married to. 3 of them are one year apart. In all honesty and humility, its as shameful and irresponsible as it appears.

It’s a testament to just how misguided in life I was. The saddest part is I barely have a relationship with any of them although we are only a phone call or text message away. It didn’t start out that way. It was a gradual declining.

Is it too late?

I look at the mess I made with my life at my age and wondered if I did too much damage to myself and my life to be able to start over or find redemption. Was my present circumstances the result of my upbringing and this is the fate of someone dealt that hand? Was I experiencing the judgement of God? Were the sins of my youth finally catching up with me?

I wanted to have a family with both parents in the home. That’s what I wanted with my first child and his mother. Honestly, at this point in my life, I wanted to stop dealing with women in general and wait for someone who shared my Faith; something I should’ve done from the beginning. That would’ve been the “right way”.

Making myself ready.

One thing that I noticed about myself and I share with people as a light dictum is that: when I went out looking for women, I usually got something I didn’t want. But when I’m not looking for a woman, a good one usually comes around.

Here, I was practicing what I believed was a more historically accurate form of worship. I was really into it and really making an effort to seriously live according to my convictions; not just in private but also in public. I wasn’t afraid to bring an expression of my faith to work.

My new worldview led me to be more mindful of my integrity, maturity level, and personal sense of responsibility at work. I was in a leadership role at work and my convictions were helping to make notable changes there. I was there doing my best because I felt that I was worthy of better in life. It was based on a verse in: Luke 16:10 .

In this time as well, I was aware of myself and why I dealt with women how I had been. Although, I had relations with a few women after my last relationship, I came to a point where I no longer wanted cheap thrills. Then I met someone different.

Is she the one?

I was the Lead Night Cook where I worked and had Dietary Aides as my helpers. Well, a new Dietary Aide was hired on and she was young and about as young as the other Aides. There was something about her that made me see innocence. She wasn’t a city girl like I was used to and not very worldly. She was plain and I liked that.

Eventually, we started hanging out and she knew like everyone else what my life was about. She seemed to take interest and started attending a congregation called El Shaddai where Pastor Mark Biltz preached. I even invited her to my second Passover seder. We had a good time.

I wanted things to be different with her. We started out as friends and that’s something I hadn’t done before. I can still remember when I first realized I had feelings for her.

Did we sleep together? Yes, but by then I knew I wanted to be with her. I still couldn’t conquer my urges and it was a sin for sure but this was someone I knew I was going to marry. I had already resolved that I was too old to be relationship hopping.

Well, we ended up getting pregnant and months later, we moved in together. The very next day after moving in together, we got married. This is something that I was adamant about. I lived with women I wasn’t married to before and I’m obviously no longer with those women.

Lesson learned: no more shacking up. If we’re living like we’re married, then we need to be married. We had our first child two months later.

So, I was married to a believer and had a child that had both parents in one home. Presently, we just celebrated our 4th year wedding anniversary and are having our third child together.

In my former life, I’d be giving God the praise for all this but today, I realized that this marriage was possible due to changing my own ways and behaviors. I praise myself and whatever modes helped me achieve a better me.

In between time.

So, in 2015 before my present wife and I got married, we lived across town from each other. We didn’t attend the same congregation together because I didn’t want to be too much of an influence on what she was believing.

The most influence I had was we studied Hebrew a little together and I answered some of her questions while challenging her to find the answers for herself.

At some point, I stopped attending congregation so frequently because Sin was becoming an issue again and though it was probably best to keep attending, back then I had mixed feelings about being amongst the assembly but not in holiness.

Lying to myself was a job in itself. I didn’t need the extra work of pretending in front of others.

But while I wasn’t attending congregation, I still honored the sabbath, I still read and prayed, and I spent time online talking with people about the Bible. It was also a time of reflection, meditation, and spending time with my family.

It was during this time that I began dealing with questions about my faith that I had for some time.

What about you?

Do you have any regrets in life? Have you made mistakes and later had the opportunity to correct them in some way?

What helped you along your path as you grew and things changed for the better?

Come and be part of the discussion. I’m eager to hear from you. Also, do subscribe and share this post on your social media. Much thanks, everyone.

Published by: Goal'd Rusher

I was a former Christian and Messianic Believer for almost 20 years. I share my story on how I deconverted in hopes it will help someone else.